The Archer Message Files
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer checks his phone messages again.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has left a message. This is based on the opening of an old detective show. And some craziness that had to get out of my tiny little brain.**

 **The Archer Message Files **

"Steady…" Archer took careful aim. "Steady…Eye of the tiger. Bam!"

PLUNK! CLINK! CLACK!

"Oh god damn it!" Archer snapped as the ping pong ball he threw bounced off the side of the cup and bounced off the wall. "I put too much spin on it!"

"Missed!" Ray cheered. Pam, Krieger and Cheryl was also in the bullpen playing beer pong.

"How did I miss?" Archer groaned.

"Maybe those sixteen cups you had before are a clue?" Ray quipped.

"No, that's not it…" Archer frowned.

"You know the rules," Pam cheered. "Take a drink bitch!"

"Yeah, yeah I know…" Archer took a drink from an extra cup.

"And now…" Pam made a motion and the others took a drink as well. "Your turn Ray."

"Watch how it's done," Ray smirked as he took the next ping bong ball. He held it in his cyborg hand and threw it perfectly into a cup.

"OOOOHHHHH!" Cheryl, Pam and Krieger called out.

"That's not fair! He used his stupid robot hand!" Archer groaned.

"You know the rules," Ray grinned.

"Yeah, yeah…" Archer shrugged. Everyone took another drink.

"I like these new rules," Pam remarked.

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

"It is a real improvement in the game isn't it?" Archer admitted. "Okay I want another try!"

"No way," Pam stopped him. "It's Cheryl's turn next!"

"Carol can't hit the side of a barn!" Archer barked.

To this Cheryl threw the ping pong ball at him. Archer ducked but the ball hit something.

"OW!" Cyril was heard shouting.

"Oh, I apologize Carol," Archer snickered. "Apparently you can hit something."

"Yeah! My face!" Cyril walked in rubbing his cheek. Lana was with him.

"Everybody drink!" Cheryl cheered.

"Well it is in the rules," Archer smirked as he took a drink along with Pam, Krieger, Cheryl and Ray.

"And another day of efficiency and progress in the Figgis Agency!" Cyril seethed.

"Why do any work when you can play Beer Pong all day?" Lana groaned.

"A, it's not **Beer** Pong," Archer corrected. "It's Scotch Pong."

"Potato, Po-Plastered-O," Lana remarked.

"And B," Archer went on. "There is no work! I mean we don't have any clients so…"

"So maybe we should do something before Mallory gets back from her long lunch with Ron and throws a hissy fit?" Lana suggested. "Like clean up this mess?"

"Okay!" Pam grinned as she started to drink from the remaining cups.

"Well since Pam is cleaning up," Archer smirked. "I'll be in my office. You guys can help her." He went off.

"Come on," Lana sighed. "Let's clean up."

"Wait a minute!" Cyril realized. "I'm the boss! I don't **have** to clean up! Archer!" He went after Archer.

"I'll help," Ray said quickly as he followed Cyril.

"Cyril! Ray!" Lana groaned. Then she turned around. "PAM! CHERYL! KRIEGER!"

"What?" Pam snapped as she finished her drink. The others were drinking too.

"We're cleaning up!" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"Eh screw it," Lana sighed. "Give me a damn cup." She took one from Pam and had a drink.

Meanwhile Cyril and Ray had followed Archer to his office. "So you're not going to do **anything** productive today at all?" Cyril fumed.

"Well I'm annoying **you,** " Archer leaned back in his office chair. "And any time I do that is quality time."

"As much fun as it is to see you needle Cyril like a cactus does a coyote," Ray drawled. "I think he meant you should do something so your mother can't bitch at you being a lazy ass."

"Good point. I guess I could check my messages," Archer said.

"Your mother let you have your phone back?" Cyril asked wryly.

"After the Barry incident she thought it was a good idea," Archer took his phone out. "But I have to cut back on the voicemail jokes."

"As in no more of them?" Cyril asked. "Like that's going to happen."

"True," Archer snorted. "Wow. I've got a lot of messages. Like a hundred of them. Better check."

"You do **not** have a hundred messages!" Cyril snapped. "Who would be calling **you?"**

"Well I get a lot of weirdoes," Archer admitted.

"You're just jealous because he gets more messages than you," Ray said.

"Am not," Cyril pouted.

Archer turned his phone volume on high and put the phone down so he could hear it. "What twisted message did you use this time?" Cyril asked.

"Just my usual Leave It Stupid after a fake conversation at the beginning," Archer shrugged. "So don't be surprised if some people just hang up."

BEEP!

CLICK!

"Like that one," Archer shrugged.

"I'm surprised **most people** wouldn't hang up," Ray said.

BEEP!

"Yeah Archer this is your mechanic again. Chuck. I just replaced your fuel pump and I'm going to need thirty-five thousand dollars. Cash this time."

BEEP!

"Archer this is your landlord from your former apartment! I've changed the locks and I've rented it to someone else. SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A DRUNKEN LEMUR AND WON'T SLEEP WITH MY WIFE! Don't bother coming back for your stuff. What those repo guys didn't take. I did. Go to hell!"

BEEP!

"WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON ARE YOU? I MAY BE A TELEMARKETER BUT I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT!"

BEEP!

"Hey Archer it's Staci. With an I," Another woman's voice was heard. "Uh I know we haven't talked in a while but just to give you a head's up. My husband found my old cell phone and some of my old phone numbers…"

"Not again…" Archer groaned.

"So if I were you I'd get out of New York for a while," Staci spoke up. "Sorry…Hope he doesn't kill you."

"Well that's convenient," Archer shrugged.

"This has happened **before**?" Ray asked.

"More often than you'd think," Archer sighed.

BEEP!

"Hey Archer! It's Glinda! I'm finally out of rehab! Say want to get lunch? The taco stand at 4th and Main right? If you're not there it's okay. I'll just hang around until any one of my old boyfriends shows up. Be there before 12:05 if you don't want to miss out."

BEEP!

"This is Percy owner of Percy's Pet Palace. Say we've had a large order of Lemur Chow lying around here for at least a year. Do you still want it or not?"

BEEP!

"Hi! Remember me? It's Suzi with a ZI. I have a layover in New York and I was wondering if you want to have some fun like we did last time? Only this time…leave the ping pong paddle and the marmalade at home huh? Call me!"

BEEP!

"This is the Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles. Our records indicate that Sterling Archer has accumulated nine hundred and fifty dollars in outstanding tickets…"

"How could you already have nearly **a thousand dollars** in tickets?" Cyril shouted. "You haven't even been in Los Angeles six months!"

"And more importantly your car has barely gone twenty feet during all that time!" Ray added.

"You'd be surprised," Archer shrugged. "Actually that number is pretty low for me."

BEEP!

"This is Dr. Krieger's Machine. Please have your master call my master at his earliest convenience."

"Guess Krieger was a little bored," Archer said.

"I'll say," Ray said. "He sent me the same message."

"Me too," Cyril nodded.

BEEP!

"This is Detective Johnson. We may have found your butler. Please come to the morgue at the 12th precinct so you can identify him. Well what's left of him."

BEEP!

"Archer this is Renaldo. Your old cordwainer. You still haven't paid your last bill. Twelve thousand dollars. In cash. Call me or I call your mother."

BEEP!

"Archer this is Andrea. Remember from our old office? I'm kind of in jail and I need some bail money. So if you can help me out I'd really appreciate it."

BEEP!

"This is Detective Johnson again. Please disregard that first message. Turns out we found someone else's dead butler so…We'll keep looking and let you know if anything turns up."

BEEP!

"This is Titus Timberbull from Titus Timberbull Time Shares! You won a free weekend at Bora Bora! Enjoy a week of fun in the sun after a fifty-eight-hour welcome to Titus Timberbull Greeting Meeting!"

BEEP!

"This is Dial a Prayer. Look normally we don't call people. They call us. But since a lot of people have been calling us wishing for your death…Just thought we might give you a head's up."

BEEP!

"Hi. This is Titus Timberbull from Timberbull Time Shares. Uh we ran your name in our computer and it drew a huge red flag so…You know that message about you winning a free weekend? Forget it deadbeat!"

BEEP!

"This is Frank from Frank's Fireworks. We got your order for two full crates of American Specials. But we don't have your new address. Or a credit card on file that works. Call us and let us know."

BEEP!

"That's it! I am quitting being a telemarketer! No job is worth this abuse!"

"See?" Archer said. "Sometimes my messages do some good. I've gotten rid of at least eight telemarketers this way."

"That barely even thins out the herd," Ray groaned.

"Hey every little bit helps," Archer pointed out.

BEEP!

"Hi Archer. This Sister Mary Margaret. Well former Sister Mary Margaret. I left the convent years ago after our little fling. Uh I don't know how to say this so I'll just say it. There's a one in three chance the son I have is yours. Call me. We need to run a DNA test. Ask for Twinkles at the Glitter Room."

BEEP!

"This is Frank the bartender at Harlowe's. You need to call about your bar tab. Until you pay up you're banned from our establishment. Well that and for the incident with the marmalade."

BEEP!

"Interested in solar cars? Visit Sal's Solar Solarium! Get rid of gas! Uh fuel that is."

BEEP!

"This is an automated message from the Republican Party…Would you like to take a survey…?"

"No!" Archer pushed the button to go to the next message.

BEEP!

"This is an automated message from the Democratic Party…"

"God No!" Archer pushed the button again.

BEEP!

"This is the Libertarian Party! Come vote for us! What have you got to lose? This might be our year!"

"Somehow I doubt it," Ray rolled his eyes.

"God I hate election years," Archer groaned as he pushed the forward button again.

BEEP!

"Have you considered the Green Party?"

"Don't even like regular greens," Archer pushed the button again. "Why would I vote for a party based on them?"

BEEP!

"Archer this is Chuck again. Looks like your pistons are loose so we're gonna have to charge you an extra twelve grand. In cash. Call me."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer! This is Fong from Fong's Cleaners! You still owe me twelve hundred dollars for last cleaning job. Call me or I call your mother! Oh by the way, you know that black jacket you say you love? We lose it. Too bad. Looks better on me anyway."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer, Mr. Fong again. By the way, we find a woman's large sweater dress in with your last deposit. Is that a mistake or special order?"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Mr. Fine from Charley's Steakhouse. Your check bounced. Please call."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is The Book of the Month Club. We couldn't send you the book How To Be a Detective because it's out of stock. So we're sending you New Hairstyles For New Stylists instead for free. Thank you…"

"Can I…?" Ray began.

"It's yours," Archer groaned.

"Yes! Thank you!" Ray grinned.

BEEP!

"Hey Archer it's Sal Monowiz your old bookie. Hey remember when you had that hunch on that horse with the one to seventy-five shot? Well it came in! One hundred and seventy-five grand only…I forgot to place the bet. So I figure I owe you one. See ya."

BEEP!

"Detective Johnson here. Okay there was this incident in an opium den where we found at least three OD victims that look a lot like your butler. Yeah, I didn't know those things were still around either. So if you can come on down and see if any of the bodies are yours, I'd appreciate it."

BEEP!

"Archer this is Andrea again. Uh disregard my former message. I don't need bail money. I got out. But I do need some cash. And a fake passport to Costa Rica. Long story…I'll call you later with the details. Come alone!"

BEEP!

"Detective Johnson again. Sorry but it turns out none of the three old stiffs we found are yours. They got claimed. I mean they look like Woodhouse but they aren't him. Sorry about that. We'll keep looking."

BEEP!

"This is Doctor Emery from the dentist's office. You haven't made an appointment for your teeth to be checked up in three years. So…I'm dropping you. You're dead to this office. Besides your last check bounced anyway."

BEEP!

"This is John Baxton. Remember? The idiot who loaned you two hundred bucks a few years ago? WHERE'S MY MONEY?"

BEEP!

"McGinty's Bar. Archer you still haven't paid your damn tab! PAY UP YOU DEADBEAT!"

BEEP!

"Hi Archer. Remember me? Nancy Sternbuckle? We had a little fling when my husband worked at that spy agency? Well we're divorced now so…If you're in town. Call me."

BEEP!

"This is Agent Eric Rush of the IRS. I've been trying to track you down for a while now because according to our records you haven't paid taxes in about…forever! Give us a call! Or else!"

BEEP!

"Hi Archer! Remember me? Scatterbrained Jane? How are you? Listen I kind of need a reference for a new job. So either you or somebody you know who wants to make twenty bucks for signing one call me. You know my number. I hope. Because I keep forgetting. I mean who calls themselves right?"

BEEP!

"Hi Archer! It's me! Scatterbrained Jane! Wait…Did I already call you? I forgot. Anyway I need a new reference for a job if I didn't. Did I call you? I keep forgetting."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Mr. Herb Grillsby from ODIN. Tell your mother to cease and desist calling us. Especially trying to contact Len Trexler. He's…indisposed."

BEEP!

"Sterling? This is your cousin Brian. I'm calling about the Archer family reunion. We're disinviting you and your mother again. You **know** why!"

BEEP!

" _Archer! This is Chi! Your check bounced for your manicure and pedicure! Fix this or I will call your mother you slacker!"_

BEEP!

"Hi Archer! I'm Coco! You knew me as Kevin from our old office. I finally transitioned and I am living my truth. So if you want to give my new vagina a test run call me!"

"No, thank you!" Archer winced.

"Trust me, you're not missing anything," Ray groaned. "If Coco is anything like Kevin, she's lousy in the sack."

"Yeah, **that's** the reason I won't call!" Archer groaned.

BEEP!

"Archer this is your bartender Craig from the Tiki Torch. I found your watch but my manager says we're holding onto it until you pay your bar tab. Later."

BEEP!

"Archer this is Chuck again. Listen we were testing your engine and it's making a sound that none of us ever heard before. So we're gonna keep working on that. Might have to add an extra couple of thousand. So…I'll call you later."

BEEP!

"Archer this is Joe from Crammers in New York. I heard you skipped town before you paid your latest tab. Call me with a working credit card number or else I'll call your mother."

BEEP!

"Very funny Archer!" Shapiro's voice was heard. "I'm **not** laughing! Just for that I **won't** recommend you for this job I had in mind for your agency!"

"Archer!" Cyril snapped.

"He'll call back," Archer waved.

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Harry from The Den Mother's Bar. We had to tear up another check of yours. You need to contact us about your tab."

BEEP!

"Hello Mr. Archer this is Dawn from Barney's. I have a question about the order you placed online. Now you ordered five black turtlenecks and five off-black turtlenecks. But we're out of the off-black turtlenecks. Would you like either ten black turtlenecks or five black turtlenecks and five very dark grey turtlenecks? Because let's face it, dark grey is pretty much the same as off-black anyway. Please call back."

BEEP!

"This is the local blood bank. If you don't have malaria, hepatitis, AIDS or TB call us and set up an appointment. Give blood today!

BEEP!

"Uh Mr. Archer this is Doctor Ken from the blood bank. Please disregard that automated call that was sent out. Your medical history has been officially red flagged and…Well let's just say we don't need your blood. Or organs…Nothing personal but when someone has a series of venereal diseases named after them…You understand."

" **Series**?" Cyril asked.

"Only two or three," Archer waved. "It's technically one strain that mutated so…"

BEEP!

"Hey Archer! This is Flo from Crammers. You said you were gonna call and it's been two years! What? You lose my number or something?"

"Everyone has Flo's number," Archer quipped.

"Two years…?" Cyril remarked. "Must be a backlog."

BEEP!

"Archer it's Flo again. Do you have either Cyril or Pam's number? I'm kind of updating my files here. Call me."

"You called it," Archer said.

BEEP!

"This is Martha from…Is this a **machine**? I don't talk to **machines**! Forget it bitch!"

BEEP!

"Sorry, I think I have the wrong number. I was calling for the clinic that **treats** a case of the Archers. Sorry…"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer you don't know me. My name is Denton Edgars. I used to be a colleague of your mother's. Could you please tell her to stop calling me? My wife is starting to get ticked off. Thank you."

BEEP!

"Archer! This is Tom Derringer, your publisher. Remember that book you wrote? I got you a new residual check for its latest sales. Twenty bucks' worth. E-Book piracy. What are you gonna do right? I'll send it in the mail."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Jill from the bank. Your account is overdrawn. Again. Please call back."

BEEP!

"Archer! It's Mindy! I just got out of prison! Call me for a good time!"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Dawn from Barney's again. Now we are still out of the off black but we just got in a shipment of off-off black which is our lightest black. Half off. So would you like ten all black turtlenecks? Or five black with five dark grey or five off-off black? Please call back. Thank you."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Roger from the Roger Room. Yes, I know. I've heard all the jokes. This concerns your seven thousand bar tab. Please call back. With a credit card number that won't be rejected if you don't mind."

BEEP!

"This is Gene From Big Gene's Plumbing calling everyone in LA to let you know our plumbers are the most reliable in town! Call us on Monday, we will be there on Tuesday! Or Wednesday. Thursday at the latest. Okay maybe next Thursday?"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Tomas Gutpecker calling to inform you that you and your office associates have been banned from the Brown Derby. You **know** why!"

BEEP!

"Archer it's Mindy again. Never mind. I'm back in. You know how they allow you one phone call? Well since my lawyer is right here with me in jail this is it. You know a better lawyer?"

BEEP!

"Hello?" A confused young man was heard. "Hello? Is this the radio station man? Should I call back when the DJ is in? Hello?"

"See that?" Archer pointed. "Weirdos."

BEEP!

"This is PETA. To let you know that you are officially on our list of top ten animal offenders…"

"Jesus," Archer skipped ahead. "You leave your butler unsupervised for **one minute**. He gives a lemur heroin and nobody lets you hear the end of it!"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Bob, the bartender from Big Wangs. We found your shoes but we're holding them until you pay your bar tab. If you don't pay by next week…Well, they are my size and do look good on me."

BEEP!

"Hello? Sterling Archer? This is Father Mike O'Halloran from New York Cathedral. You don't know me but a lot of people who come to confession in my church know you. And your mother. I don't know how to say this but…If you ever want to confess…Or reform your ways. Please go to someone else's church."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer I am Martha Mae Scruggs your cleaning woman. I don't know what kind of sick twisted party you had at your apartment last time but I am **not** cleaning it up! I quit! I can make more money and do less work cleaning up crime scenes!"

"It's not what you think," Archer explained. "AJ was sick and throwing up and then Lana and I got sick to our stomachs and threw up and…"

"Stop," Cyril held up his hand. "Before **I** throw up!"

BEEP!

"Listen Archer or whatever your name is!" An angry male voice shouted. "I don't know why you're in my girlfriend's address book but I'm letting you know right now, she's taken! Stay away from Linda!"

" **Which** Linda?" Archer asked. "They never specify."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the owner of the Varnish Bar. You owe five thousand dollars in a bar tab. And you are officially banned for life for making too much of a racket!"

"Well then there's no reason for me to **pay** is there?" Archer quipped. "Next!"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Phil, the bartender at the Whisper Lounge. We have your pants. We will return them when you pay your tab."

"I'm sensing a pattern," Cyril said dryly.

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the Standard Bar. Informing you that you do not live up to ours. Standards that is. You're banned from the bar as well as you need to pay your bar tab. And a seven-thousand-dollar cleaning fee."

"That was a pretty wild night," Archer realized.

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Lyle Livenmast from Lego Land informing you that you now have an official restraining order for you and Pam Poovey to **never return**! You **know** why!"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer I'm Dwight Dweebport. I'm a lawyer from Howzer, Mankewitz, Bentz, Dweebport and Dweebport investigating a wrongful death suit of your colleague Brett Bunsen. Please give me a call at your earlier convenience. You're still living in New York, right?"

"Yes I'm **dying** of jealousy that I don't get **your calls** ," Cyril quipped.

BEEP!

"Archer. Detective Johnson. Again. Found a body floating in the East River. You know the drill. 12th precinct. The morgue. See you."

BEEP!

"Hey this is Detective Johnson again! I hope I caught you before you made the trip. You are going to find this funny but that body we fished out of the East River…It belongs to an old mobster named Johnny No Thumbs McGee. As you can guess it was easy to identify him so…Sorry for the false lead. We'll keep looking. Bye."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Mr. Fine from Charley's Steak House. Call back and pay your bill. Or else. Think about it. We know how to handle knives."

BEEP!

"Archer it's Chuck again. We were giving your car a test run and now there's something wrong with the breaks. So we're going to have to do some break work. And some new body work. Just a couple of scratches. Nothing too major there. Call you back with the latest estimate."

BEEP!

"Listen, I don't know who you are, or why your phone number is in my wife's address book…" Another angry male voice was heard. "But don't call Veronica! Ever!"

 **"Which** Veronica?" Archer shouted. "I know at least three! Or four. Five at the most!"

BEEP!

"Hey Archer this is Burt Reynolds. I guess you guys have moved to LA now. Anyway your mother is calling me. Again…I get you guys have a new business but can you please tell her to lay off? I have no idea how she got my new phone number. Thanks buddy."

BEEP!

"Hello?" A confused female voice was heard. "Hello? Hello?"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer? This is Dr. Namalanarani down at the clinic. Your latest blood tests showed some…interesting results. An unusually high dosage of lead. You might want to schedule another appointment."

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the Blue Diamond Bar. You need to settle your tab. Call back please."

"How many bar tabs do you **have**?" Ray asked in shock.

"Not as many as you'd think," Archer admitted with a shrug. "A lot of places don't do it anymore."

"With customers like you I wonder **why?** " Cyril said sarcastically.

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is Thornton Darrow the Third. I used to work with your mother. There's no easy way to say this so I'll just come out and say it. Please get her to stop calling me! Please! I can't give her any work! Thank you!"

BEEP!

"Sterling this is Ron. I'm getting a little worried. I think your mother is trying to cheat on me. She's making all these calls to guys she thinks I don't know about. How the hell does she know Burt Reynolds? Call me back will ya?"

BEEP!

"Archer. Detective Johnson. We may have a few leads in the morgue here. I tell you with this heat wave old guys are dropping like flies this year. And the heroin epidemic isn't exactly helping. So…You know the drill. Come down to the 12th Precinct morgue. Maybe one of these is yours?"

BEEP!

"Hello Mr. Archer. You don't know me. My name is Alan Flapkee. I believe you know my wife. Judith? Anyway I was wondering…Is there any chance you might want to stop by and see her sometime? Please! Take her off my hands! Please! I'm begging you! She's driving me crazy! Call me!"

 **"That one** I remember," Archer groaned. "So not going to call back."

BEEP!

"Archer? Andrea again. Look I still need the money and the passport. If I survive this shootout with the cops or don't get tossed in the slammer, I'll call you. Gotta go. EAT HOT LEAD YOU…!"

BEEP!

"Archer. Detective Johnson again. Disregard that last message. The last body was just claimed by someone else so…Again. We'll keep you updated. Still looking. It's just there's a lot of old guys that look like your butler. I saw a picture of the pope once and he looked like him! Weird huh? I'll keep in touch."

BEEP!

"Archer, this is Ben from the pharmacy. Your special butt cream has come in. And your new prescription for crabs. Come on down anytime."

"This is just as entertaining as TV," Ray quipped.

"This is why I don't check my messages often," Archer groaned.

BEEP!

"Archer! This is Trinette! You owe me child support ya puke! I swear one day I will track you down and make you pay! Literally!"

BEEP!

"Archer hi. This is Wendy Wantsome. Say, I was thinking about having a threesome and wanted to know if you were interested. It doesn't matter if the other person is a dude is it? Call me."

BEEP!

"Hello? Mr. DJ? Hello….?"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the Department of Motor Vehicles of New York City. There are several unpaid parking tickets you still need to pay for…"

"Why? Not living there anymore," Archer pushed the button.

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the Department of Motor Vehicles in Myrtle Beach. You have seventeen thousand dollars in unpaid parking tickets…"

"Definitely not going back there again," Archer pushed the button.

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the Department of Motor Vehicles in Fargo, North Dakota. You have quite a substantial amount in unpaid parking tickets…"

"Okay when was I in Fargo?" Archer blinked as he stopped the message. "I don't remember being in Fargo. But it does sound familiar. Huh."

BEEP!

"Archer! Dr. Sklodowska! Just calling to remind you that one day I will hunt you and your idiot friends down and make you pay for ruining my life and murdering Dr. Kovacs! Right after I finish my grief banging tour of Hawaii."

"Well we've got time then," Archer remarked.

BEEP!

"Archer! This is Popeye. I got out of prison. Just giving you a warning that I'm coming after you and that bitch of a mother of yours. Watch your backs."

"That could be a problem," Archer winced.

BEEP!

"Archer this is Carly with a Y. From Golden Buttons Escort services. You owe our agency twenty-five grand! I expect you to call back. And this time use a real credit card!"

BEEP!

"Mr. Archer this is the Plaid Lagoon Club. Your bar tab is overdue. And you also owe us a cleaning fee for the mess you made in that booth. Call us back. We have your pants from last time."

BEEP!

"Archer this is Roxy from Vegas! Remember three years ago when you came into town? You still owe me ten grand for my services. And an extra three for the dry cleaning! Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean marmalade out of suede? You'd better call back! Especially if you ever want to see your thousand-dollar suit again!"

BEEP!

"ARCHER! You are a cow towww no good giz bang noope! You can't handle my kick pants!"

"How does Simone keep getting my number?" Archer groaned. "In fact how did most of these people get my number? I've changed it at least three times. What, is there some kind of weird Let's Get Archer phone tree I'm not aware of or something?"

Archer missed the looks Ray and Cyril gave each other. Archer went on. "I mean I get the advertisements and the wrong numbers. Everybody gets those. And few of them I did give numbers to like the doctors, Detective Johnson, Chuck and a few bartenders. But all those other ones? How did **that** happen?"

"Gee I have no idea…" Cyril said innocently.

"Probably the CIA or something," Ray shrugged.

"Yeah Slater really hates you so…" Cyril quickly suggested.

"That actually makes sense," Archer thought. "What with Sklodowska and everything. Yeah he would be a big enough douchebag to track my number down and give it out."

"Well then it probably is him," Ray agreed.

"Yup," Cyril agreed. "Definitely that rat bastard Slater."

"Figures," Archer played the next message.

BEEP!

"Archer! This is the Golden Duck Chinese restaurant! You need to pay your bar tab! Unless you want me to call your mother! Again!"

BEEP!

"Archer, it's Slater. Just wondering how being a disavowed failure of a spy is going? Later!"

"Now I **know** it was him!" Archer snarled.

"That rat bastard!" Cyril said convincingly.

"I am definitely going to make him pay sooner or later," Archer agreed.

"Good to know," Ray remarked.

BEEP!

"Hey! Archer! It's me! Krieger! You wanna hang out sometime buddy? I feel we don't see each other enough. We need to spend some quality time. So…Anytime you wanna party, the lab door's open."

"Oh I hate it when he gets needy," Archer groaned.

"Tell me about it," Ray agreed.

BEEP!

"Archer? Chuck again. Look we were fixing your car and it's making a completely different sound we never heard of. Plus, we kind of are still fine tuning your breaks. And your exhaust pipe just sort of fell off so we'll put that back on and add it to your tab. By the way, I **love** your car man!"

"Suddenly not getting that many messages seems like a **good thing** ," Cyril remarked.

"Veronica Deane hasn't called yet," Archer frowned. "That's odd."

"Why would you expect **her** to call **you?** " Ray asked.

"Hey I got my messages done," Archer said. "That's something productive right there!"

"What exactly are you doing that **is** productive?" Mallory stormed in. "Besides creating bar tabs the size of the national debt?"

"Oh what are you complaining about **now** Mother?" Archer groaned.

"I have been getting calls all day about **your debts**!" Mallory shouted. "Some of them in Chinese!"

"Well speaking of calls Mother," Archer snapped. "I've been getting a few myself. From Burt Reynolds!"

"Burt called **you**?" Mallory gasped. "Why?"

"Uh this little thing called **stalking?** " Archer snapped. "Maybe you've heard of it? Which is against the restraining order he put on you!"

"It's not technically stalking," Mallory sniffed. "Besides he's a major Hollywood star. Maybe he can throw some work our way?"

"What about Denton Edgars?" Archer asked. "Or Thornton Darrow the Third?"

"Snitches…" Mallory growled. "But this isn't about me…"

"Oh how convenient for you!" Archer snapped as he stood up. "Focus on **my faults** when yours are so **painfully obvious**!"

"Just what is **that** supposed to mean?" Mallory snapped. Neither of them noticed Ray and Cyril cautiously slinking out the door.

"It means your trick of misdirection won't work **this time**!" Archer shouted. "I'm a master of it!"

"And who the hell do you think taught you **that trick?"** Mallory snapped.

"Well not my father because you kept him from me all those years!" Archer snapped.

"I can't keep you from someone when I don't know **who it is!"** Mallory shouted.

"Well I sort of kind of remember him!" Archer snapped. "I just don't know what he looks like!"

"How would you know that?" Mallory snapped. "How drunk were you when you had this hallucination?"

"How drunk were you to not know who got you knocked up in the first place?" Archer shouted.

"What's going on?" Lana asked as she walked up to Ray and Cyril outside Archer's office.

"Archer and his mother are having a fight," Ray said. "Again."

"About what?" Lana asked.

"Maybe my father is Denton Edgars?" Archer said sarcastically.

"I'm pretty sure it might not be him," Mallory snapped.

"MIGHT **NOT** BE?" Archer shouted. " _PRETTY SURE?"_

"Well I've discounted Buddy Rich," Mallory admitted. "And he was in the same town that night. Just not sure if he was in the same bar I was…Or hotel. Or was it the coat room?"

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I WAS CONCEIVED?" Archer shouted.

"I WAS SO DRUNK AND HOPPED UP ON WEED I'M AMAZED I REMEMBERED MY NAME!" Mallory shouted back. "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERY LITTLE DETAIL OF THAT WEEKEND?"

"THE CONCEPTION OF YOUR CHILD ISN'T EXACTLY A LITTLE DETAIL!" Archer shouted back.

"Same old, same old," Ray shrugged.

"They're having another fight?" Pam asked as the other members of the Figgis Agency walked in.

"LANA KNOWS HOW OUR CHILD WAS CONCIEVED!" Archer barked.

"LANAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Mallory mocked. "Well sorry I'm not as perfect as Perfect Lana!"

"What do you think?" Cyril groaned.

"I think we should make some popcorn!" Pam said.

"On it!" Krieger went off.

"Don't use a radioactive pig this time!" Pam called out.

"Awwww…" Krieger pouted.

"And you wonder why I didn't tell you about Lana and me?" Archer shouted. "Because I knew your insecurities and jealousies couldn't handle it!"

Mallory scoffed. "Oh this from the man who had a mental breakdown and got amnesia because he couldn't handle me getting married to Ron!"

"That's completely different!" Archer barked. "You sprung that on me out of the blue!"

"We were dating for three months!" Mallory shouted. "I told you all about it but you didn't listen! WHAT A SHOCK!"

"Three months is still fast Mother!" Archer snapped.

"Not at our age," Mallory sighed. "Honestly I'm surprised the two of us lasted this long."

"She's not the only one," Cheryl agreed as the all sat down to listen to the fight.

"Well at least I know what we're doing the rest of the day," Cyril groaned.

"It's a wonder we get anything done at all in this office," Ray realized.


End file.
